Section 2
B. MOURNING
Under Jewish law, mourning is divided into three time periods: (1) Shiva refers to the seven days starting from the burial, which is day one. (2) Shloshim extends from shiva and ends on the thirtieth day starting with the funeral. (3) The third period is observed by the children of a deceased parent, who say Kaddish for eleven Hebrew months from the time of burial.
Shiva and Shloshim may end early or be postponed when a major festival occurs during this period. Because the rules can be complicated, mourners are encouraged to seek guidance from the rabbi.
The mourners obligated to observe Shiva and Shloshim are the deceased’s spouse, parents, children, and siblings. Others may also be grieving and need comforting, but are not designated mourners under Jewish law.
SHIVA
- Upon returning from the cemetery, mourners light a shiva candle that will burn for seven days.
- “Shiva” is the Hebrew word for “seven”. The shiva period in mourning refers to a prescribed seven-day period of mourning, with the burial counting as day one. The first three days of shiva are understood to be the most intense time of grieving.
- Mourners should not work during shiva.
- Mourners may follow such customs as covering their mirrors or sitting on benches, low chairs, or pillows on the floor.
- In traditional Jewish practice, all members of the community hold regular services each day – morning (shacharit), afternoon (mincha), and evening (maariv). One says the Mourners’ Kaddish during these services with a minyan (ten adult Jews) present. One reason community members visit mourners during shiva is to enable them to say the Mourners’ Kaddish during such a service without leaving home. Consult the rabbi for what is best for you and your family.
- The other major reason for paying a shiva call is to comfort the mourners. In doing so, one typically offers one of the following two traditional phrases: “May their memory be a blessing,” or “May Gd comfort you among all the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.” Additional words of comfort or memory may also be offered. The comforter should be brief and let further conversation, if any, be guided by the mourner. A shiva call is not a social call.
SHLOSHIM
- For the remainder of the thirty days after the burial, the mourners (spouse, parents, siblings, children) continue to participate in a service to say Kaddish. They also refrain from entertainment or social activities.
AFTER SHLOSHIM
- The deceased’s children continue to say Kaddish with a minyan for eleven months from burial after the death of a parent.
- The anniversary of the death on the Hebrew calendar is called a Yahrzeit. Relatives remember the deceased by reciting Kaddish with a minyan, lighting a yahrzeit candle at home, and giving tzedakah.
- Yizkor services to remember the dead are a part of the synagogue service every year on Yom Kippur, the last day of Pesach, the second day of Shavuot, and Shemini Atzeret.
HABONIM’S CHESED COMMITTEE
All community members are encouraged to comfort mourners when they sit shiva and to help make up the minyanim needed to hold a service and say Kaddish. Habonim's dedicated Chesed Committee is one way our community formally offers such comfort and support to members who have lost a loved one. There are two parts to this outreach:
- A small group of members takes turns calling a mourner to express condolences and offer a meal, particularly on the day of the funeral and during Shiva.
- Members of the community are encouraged to attend minyanim and to write the member an email or a card expressing their condolences and offering some simple words of comfort. Two appropriate phrases are: “May their memory be a blessing,” or “May Gd comfort you among all the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.”
Congregants are encouraged to volunteer for this committee by writing to one of the co-chairs listed on the website or in the newsletter.
SEE THE APPENDIX FOR ADDITIONAL READINGS AND RESOURCES
